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My father made kites. It was the only thing he made, the only thing he was good at making, the only thing he spent his time on when he wasn’t working the job he hated, the job that took him away from the things he loved, the job that he did because he had to, because there was a family to feed, a house to keep, a life to pay for that wasn’t the life he wanted. He made them from tissue paper and bamboo, from the things he could find around the house, from the scraps of material that were left over from the things my mother made, from the things that were cheap, that were easy, that were the only things he could afford to spend on something that was just for him. He made them in the basement, at the table where he’d sat when he was a child, the table where his father had sat, the table where the kites had been made for generations, the kites that had been flown in the fields behind the house, the fields that were gone now, that had been sold, that had been built over, that were nothing but a memory of a time when the sky was open and the wind was free and the only thing that mattered was the kite, the string, the thing that was flying, the thing that was tethered, the thing that was waiting to be let go.

He taught me to make them when I was a child. He taught me how to cut the bamboo, how to shape the frame, how to stretch the paper, how to tie the string, how to make something that would fly, that would rise, that would lift off the ground and become something else, something that was made of air and wind and the thing that was holding it, the thing that was keeping it from flying away. He taught me that a kite wasn’t just a thing you made, it was a thing you let go, a thing you sent up into the sky, a thing that was yours but wasn’t yours, a thing that was waiting to be free. He taught me that the string was the thing that held it, that kept it from flying away, that kept it from being lost, but that the string was also the thing that kept it from being what it was meant to be, a thing that was flying, a thing that was free, a thing that was waiting to be let go.

I was eighteen when I made my last kite with him. It was a summer afternoon, the kind that lasts forever, the kind when the wind is just right, the kind when the sky is blue and the fields are green and the only thing that matters is the kite, the string, the thing that is flying, the thing that is waiting to be let go. We made it together, the way we’d made them when I was a child, the way he’d made them with his father, the way the kites had been made for generations. We cut the bamboo, shaped the frame, stretched the paper, tied the string. We made a kite that was the best we’d ever made, a kite that was light and strong and ready to fly. We took it to the field, the one that was still there, the one that hadn’t been sold yet, the one that was still open, still waiting for us to fly our kites. He held it while I ran, the way he’d held it when I was a child, the way you hold something when you’re waiting for it to fly. I ran. The kite rose. It lifted off the ground, the way kites do when the wind is right, when the string is tight, when the thing that is holding it is the thing that is letting it go. It flew. It flew higher than any kite we’d ever made, higher than the trees, higher than the clouds, higher than anything I’d ever seen. It flew, and I held the string, the thing that was holding it, the thing that was keeping it from flying away. He stood beside me, watching it fly, watching it rise, watching it become something that was made of air and wind and the thing that was holding it. He said, “You can let it go. You can let it go anytime you want.” I didn’t let it go. I held the string. I held it the way you hold something when you’re not ready to let it go, when you’re not sure what will happen when you do, when you’re not sure you’ll ever see it again. I held it until the wind died, until the kite came down, until we packed it up and went home, the way we’d always gone home, the way we’d always done, the way we’d always be, the kite and the string and the thing that was holding it.

I left that fall. I left the way people leave when they’re young and the world is waiting and the kites are still in the basement, waiting for the wind to come. I left my father, the man who’d made kites, who’d taught me to make them, who’d told me I could let them go anytime I wanted. I went to the city, got a job, built a life that was safe and predictable and nothing like the life he’d lived, the life he’d spent making kites in the basement, waiting for the wind to come. I told myself I’d come back. I told myself I’d fly the kite again when I was ready. I told myself the same things I’d been telling myself for years, the things that had kept me away, the things that had kept me from letting go.

He died when I was forty. He died the way people die when they’ve been making kites their whole lives, when they’ve been waiting for the wind, when they’ve been waiting for someone to let them go. He died in the basement, at the table where he’d made the kites, with the bamboo in his hands, with the paper half-stretched, with the kite half-finished. I was there when he died. I was sitting at the table where I’d learned to make them, the table where he’d made them, the table where I was sitting now, holding the kite he’d been making, the one that was half-finished, the one that was waiting for me to finish it. He was holding the string when he died. He was holding the string that was attached to nothing, the string that was waiting for a kite, the string that was waiting for someone to let it go. He was holding it when he died, and I was holding his hand, and the string was between us, the thing that was holding him, the thing that was waiting to be let go.

I kept the kite. I kept it in the basement, at the table where he’d made it, the table where I’d learned to make them, the table where I was sitting now, forty years later, holding the kite he’d been making, the one that was half-finished, the one that was waiting for me to finish it. I kept it for years. I kept it through the moves, through the jobs, through the life I’d built, the life that was safe and predictable and nothing like the life he’d lived, the life he’d spent making kites in the basement, waiting for the wind to come. I kept it, and I didn’t finish it. I kept it the way you keep something when you’re not ready to let it go, when you’re not sure you’ll ever be ready, when you’re waiting for the right time, the right wind, the right moment to let it fly.

I was sixty when I finally finished it. I don’t know what made me do it. Maybe it was the time, the way it was passing, the way the years were slipping away, the way the things I’d been waiting to do were the things I hadn’t done, the things I’d been putting off, the things I’d been saving for later, the things that were waiting for me to do them. Maybe it was the kite, the way it was sitting on the table, the way it had been sitting for twenty years, the way it was waiting for me to finish it, the way it was waiting for me to let it go. I took it down from the shelf. I finished it. I cut the bamboo, shaped the frame, stretched the paper, tied the string. I finished the kite he’d started, the one he’d been making when he died, the one that was waiting for me to finish it. I finished it the way he’d taught me, the way you finish something when you’ve been waiting your whole life to finish it, when you’ve been waiting for the right time, the right wind, the right moment to let it go.

That night, after I finished the kite, after I tied the string, after I sat in the basement where he’d made them, the basement where I’d learned to make them, the basement where I was sitting now, with the kite in my hands and the string around my fingers, I did something I’d never done before. I opened my laptop, the same laptop I’d used to build the life I’d built, the life that was safe and predictable and nothing like the life he’d lived, the life he’d spent making kites in the basement, waiting for the wind to come, and I searched for something I’d never searched for. I’d never gambled. Not once. I’d spent my life being careful, being safe, being the kind of person who held the string, who kept the kite, who didn’t let go. I didn’t believe in chance. I believed in the things I could hold, the things I could keep, the things I could control. But that night, sitting in the basement where he’d made the kites, with the kite in my hands and the string around my fingers, I wanted to do something I couldn’t hold. I wanted to do something I couldn’t keep. I wanted to let go.

I found a site that looked legitimate. I found a working Vavada mirror that let me in when the main page wouldn’t load, and I sat there for a long time, my hands on the keyboard, thinking about my father, thinking about the kite, thinking about the string that was waiting to be let go. I deposited fifty dollars, which was nothing compared to what I’d lost, everything compared to the man I’d been. I started with slots, because slots didn’t require me to think, didn’t require me to pretend I was in control. I lost ten dollars, lost another ten, lost another. I was down to twenty dollars in about ten minutes, and I was about to close the laptop when I saw a game I hadn’t noticed before. A slot machine with a kite theme, paper and bamboo and a string that stretched across the screen. I stared at it for a long time, the little graphic of the kite, the string that was holding it, the wind that was waiting to let it go. I thought about my father. I thought about the kite I’d finished. I thought about the string that was waiting to be let go.

I put twenty dollars in the kite slot. I watched the reels spin, watched the kite rise, watched the string stretch, and I didn’t care if I won or lost. I was there, in that moment, in the basement where he’d made the kites, with the kite in my hands and the string around my fingers, doing something I’d never done before, something that was just for me, something I hadn’t asked anyone’s permission to do. The reels stopped. The screen flashed. And then the kite flew, the string snapped, the kite rose into the sky, and the balance on my screen started climbing. Free spins. Multipliers. A number that went up and up and didn’t stop. When it finally did, I was sitting in the basement with my laptop open, staring at a balance of just over nine thousand dollars.

I didn’t move. I didn’t breathe. I sat there for a long time, and then I withdrew the money, all of it, and I closed the laptop and picked up the kite and walked out into the field, the one that was still there, the one that had been waiting for me to come back. I held the kite, the one I’d finished, the one he’d started, the one that was waiting to fly. I ran. The kite rose. It lifted off the ground, the way kites do when the wind is right, when the string is tight, when the thing that is holding it is the thing that is letting it go. It flew. It flew higher than any kite I’d ever made, higher than the trees, higher than the clouds, higher than anything I’d ever seen. It flew, and I held the string, the thing that was holding it, the thing that was keeping it from flying away. I held it for a moment, the way you hold something when you’re not sure you’re ready to let it go, when you’re not sure what will happen when you do, when you’re not sure you’ll ever see it again. And then I let it go. I let the string go. I let the kite fly. I let it rise into the sky, into the wind, into the thing it was meant to be, a thing that was flying, a thing that was free, a thing that was waiting to be let go. I watched it until I couldn’t see it anymore, until it was just a speck, just a memory, just a thing that was gone, that was free, that was finally let go.

I still have the account. I still play, sometimes, on nights when I’m sitting in the basement, the table where he made the kites, the tools still there, the string still waiting. I find a working Vavada mirror that works, and I play a few spins, a few hands, a few minutes of letting go. I don’t play to win. I play to remember that night, the night I lost forty dollars and found a kite I thought I’d lost, a father I thought I’d left, a string I was finally ready to let go. I play to remind myself that the things we hold are the things that are waiting to be let go, that the kites we make are the kites that are waiting to fly, that the string my father held when he died is the string I let go, the string that was waiting for me to let it go, the string that is gone now, that is free, that is finally what it was meant to be. I think about the night I let go, the night I put twenty dollars on a kite slot and watched it fly. I think about the kite I finished, the one that was waiting for me, the one I let go. I think about my father, the one who made the kites, who taught me to make them, who told me I could let them go anytime I wanted. I let it go. I finally let it go.